


Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling

by Darkest_Sun



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Barry is unhelpful, Cultural Differences, Cultural Misunderstandings, Fluff, Found Family, I couldn't help myself it just fits so well - you'll see, Implied Blowjobs, Kravitz would like the Astral Sea to swallow him up right about now, Lup is slightly more helpful, Multi, Oh and Also, The Reaper Squad, and also the first fanfic I have ever published, but it's not as m-rated as the title implies sorry, oh and the rating is for mentions of blowjobs, or even shown anyone else, so here ya go, the title is an excellent Oscar Wilde quote, the working title for this was: why am I writing a taz fic at 11pm?, this is extremely self indulgent, why isn't that a suggested tag? that's the best trope of them all??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 16:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18449903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkest_Sun/pseuds/Darkest_Sun
Summary: There are some important cultural differences between Faerûn and the IPRE homeworld.Kravitz did not factor this into his plans.(OR: Lup saves Kravitz from himself, saves her brother from Kravitz's inability to explain things properly, and wiggles her eyebrows at Barry)





	Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first time I've ever published a fanfic, and only the second one I've written. Dipping my toe into the TAZ fandom is a bit daunting, because there is so much INCREDIBLE fanwork already out there (I should know, I've read so much of it). But also, I know the TAZ fandom to be a pretty amazing place, one that has brought me a lot of joy (even if I got into the podcast a couple of years late).
> 
> Also, shoutout to littlelionlady, who isn't even in this fandom, but is the kind of friend you would feel absurd imagining you could have in this world. You write wonderful fanfic, and pushed me to actually publish this, so thank you.
> 
> Because I am chronically incapable of showing anyone my writing, this is un-beta'd.
> 
> Comments will quite possibly make me cry, so... do with that what you will!

Kravitz continued to stand there with a stunned and hopeless look on his face. He had the aura of a man who had just counted his brain cells and found the answer very depressing.

When he finally broke the silence it was in such a soft voice that Lup automatically leaned in closer to try and hear him.

“I’m the biggest idiot in Faerûn. How could I..? I didn’t even think…?” He trailed off, looking about ready to drown himself in the Astral Sea.

Lup had very much wanted to laugh when Kravitz haltingly explained his problem to her and Barry a few moments ago; but the longer Kravitz’s impression of a goblin who’d been hit very hard in the head went on, the less funny she found the entire situation.

She decided Kravitz didn’t look like he was planning to stop being dumbstruck by his own stupidity on his own, so naturally it fell to her to move this party along. “Think positive Bone-man, now you know why it wasn’t working and now you have us to help you try again! This time in a way he’ll, er, understand better.”

Kravitz groaned. “But I’ve been acting strange for weeks! And you know he has to have noticed! And when he finds out how unbelievably dumb his boyfriend is, will he even want to say yes?”

“Kravitz,” Barry said in voice aiming for comforting, “you’re definitely a smart guy. You know more about the undead and necromantic rituals than even me!”

Kravitz looked slightly pained, like he always did when Barry talked casually about his in-depth knowledge of necromancy.

“Just the other week when we walked in on that guy dressed like a goat you instantly knew he’d used wyvern blood, not dragon blood, and that’s why the ritual gave him claws instead of dark powers!”

Kravitz, somehow, was not looking very comforted. In fact, the net total of comfort in the room had probably gone down with the reminder of that goat-dude and the awful sound of his claws scraping against the boss-man’s skeleton form. And that cave had had good acoustics.

Lup decided it was time to save Kravitz from Barry’s attempt at a pep talk. “Look bone-man, we’re just trying to say that you’re usually an intelligent dude, who forgot something relatively obvious but easy to overlook! Happens all the time!”

Kravitz, at least, was starting to look more exasperated than hopeless. “Ah yes, I’m an intelligent man who managed to forget that my boyfriend is from another planar system. Something that literally the entire world knows.”

Lup shared a look with Barry that was mostly made up of eyebrow wiggling and a desire not to be the one to fuck up this conversation with their boss and maybe-possibly-brother-in-law-to-be even more.

Finally, Lup tried, “well, you know, you didn’t forget he was from another plane so much as you forgot the ramifications of it. Like the… somewhat different cultural practices?” 

Barry looked like he wanted to laugh, so she continued their eyebrow conversation, trying to convey that they should try being delicate here. Kravitz was looking more like a bunch of sad ravens in a cloak than the competent, overdramatic reaper she was growing to love.

When Kravitz didn’t answer, Barry piped up and asked “hey, so, you didn’t get to that part in the story, but if you didn’t tell him what you were actually trying to do, how did you explain why you kept getting on your knees in the middle of your dates?”

Lup was pretty sure she realised where this was about to go, but not fast enough to stop Barry from asking things she really did not want the answers to. They clearly needed to work on their eyebrow communication.

Sure enough, Kravitz ducked his head in that way that meant he was trying to hide a blush, she’d seen it a million times when they were around her brother.

Kravitz cleared his throat. “It’s just getting down on one knee, actually, and he was pretty confused at first, but then I was confused and I thought maybe he hasn’t even thought about, you know, maybe we weren’t there yet… and then he, uh, you know, came to his own conclusions about what I was trying to do down there and uhhh…”

Kravitz trailed off and Lup was very glad. But even if he hadn’t, anything he said next would have been lost in Lup’s helpless cackles.

She still wasn’t sure that laughing was the best move in this already disastrous Operation Make Krav Feel Better About Being A Dumbass, but at this point she was done trying to keep it in.

Her gales of laughter set Barry off quietly wheeze-laughing in his adorable way, which made Kravitz groan again and bury his heated face in his hands. Oh Gods she hoped he wasn’t really considering drowning himself in the Astral Sea.

She somehow manage to compose herself enough to talk, because she really needed to know, “wait, how many times did this happen? And you just kept…” more eyebrow wiggling, this time at Kravitz who was peeking at her through his hands, “… instead of explaining the situation?”

Barry had quickly turned away when Lup had started up the eyebrows again and was now very poorly trying to disguise his laughter as coughing.

Face still in his hands, Kravitz’s muffled voice replied, “I thought I’d just misread the timing, or he hadn't realised what it was because I wasn’t being romantic enough. So I tried waiting a bit, dropped a few hints about, you know, how much he means to me, and how I want him in my life, kind of forever,” Kravitz paused to glare at Lup, who was making exaggerated grossed out faces at Barry, who was trying to muffle his snickering into his fist.

She shot Kravitz what almost passed for an apologetic look and he continued, “so I set up an even more romantic night, made some more references to our life together, and tried again…”

Lup, unable to help herself, interjected gleefully, “and he thought you were putting the sexy moves on him again!”

Kravitz nodded from behind the shield of his hands. “He made a joke about how I definitely knew the way to ‘finish off’ a perfect evening, then declared that it was his turn this time. We, uh, didn’t really do much talking after that.”

“Really?” Barry said, looking amused. “Because my old room on the Starblaster was right next to Taako’s and I could definitely hear when he brought someone back-”

“NO!” Yelled Lup, emphatically shaking her head, while to her left Kravitz made a strangled noise. When Lup looked over, she saw his hands were starting to look a little skeletal - she was honestly surprised that hadn’t happened sooner.

Lup glared reproachfully at an unrepentant Barry.

She needed to get a handle on this situation before Kravitz chickened out of doing this entirely - which was not an acceptable outcome.

“Okay, listen up. Here’s what you’re gonna do.” Lup looked Kravitz right in the creepy-but-cool eye sockets of his skeleton face, now that his bony hands couldn’t hide much behind them. “You’ll both be standing for this part. If he’s sitting, ask him to stand. You take his right hand with your left, you bend down and kiss the back of his hand once, then a second time, then you look up and say this: ‘would you have me as your husband?’ It’s the super traditional way to ask an elf from our world to marry you. My brother’s not generally known for being a traditionalist, but it sounds like you’re trying to do it in your world’s traditions, so. And it’ll definitely get the message across, which seems to be the problem you’re having.”

Kravitz was looking at her, and it was hard to tell with skeletons, but she hoped that was a determined expression.

“Would you have me as your husband…” Kravitz murmured to himself, turning the words over in his mouth and in his mind. “I can do that.”

“And no blowjobs this time!” Lup added, just to make him suffer a little.

Barry laughed at the long-suffering expression on Kravitz’s skeleton face. “Well, save it til after he says yes, at least.”

 

{2 months later, at the official engagement party of Taako & Kravitz}

Lup felt giddy and giggly on good champagne, though she was clearly nowhere near as drunk as her dear brother, who was currently standing on a table in the centre of the room, next to his equally intoxicated fiancé, looking very red in the face and very, very happy.

He was gleefully telling the room, “and then! When I asked him what had taken him so long! He told me that he kept trying to ask me but in the Faerûn way and I kept thinking my gorgeous boyfriend just wanted to get down on his knees at the end of a romantic evening for the other obvious reason!” 

Taako had to take a pause because he was laughing too hard to breathe and talk at the same time. All of their friends, some of whom had already head this story but were fairly close to smashed, were having similar problems.

To Lup’s surprise, Kravitz hadn’t turned into a literal skeleton out of mortification yet. In fact, standing up there next to Taako, smiling wider than Lup had ever seen him, he didn’t look embarrassed at all. He looked too love-drunk (or maybe it was the actual alcohol) and caught up in his fiancé’s loud presence to be embarrassed about all their friends hearing the dirty details of how several of Kravitz’s attempted proposals had ended.

She felt a familiar arm slide around her waist as her fucking perfect husband returned and handed her another full glass of champagne. Lup felt the laughter and happiness that saturated this room full of her favourite people wash against her like golden waves, and leaned down to kiss the love of her life. Looking back at Kravitz’s endlessly enamoured smile, and noticing his inability to look away from Taako, Lup thought about how she knew exactly how he felt.

**Author's Note:**

> I managed to find [the tumblr post](https://timeforlupsopinion.tumblr.com/post/172845097104/what-if-marriage-proposals-and-possibly) that I read ages ago which eventually inspired this fic!


End file.
